So Big was just four months short of his ninth birthday when Little arrived. This wasn't planned. If I'm being completely honest, Little wasn't planned at all. We had a nightmare pregnancy with Big, full of bedrest and long-term hospital stays. The medical bills were astronomical and the impact of the pregnancy on our lives was scarring. Then there was Big. I love my son. I really, really do. He's an awesome kid, but he has always been....difficult would be a great word. He was a colicky and temperamental infant, a high maintenance toddler and preschooler. Once he got to elementary school, it got a little easier, but by then, his high intelligence was apparent and it took all we had to keep him enriched and challenged. Hubs and I honestly wanted another one when Big was about 3 or 4, but it never happened. The last thing we wanted was to chance multiples that can come from fertility treatments, because I had a hard enough time with a singleton pregnancy. We weren't broken because there were no more children, and after a year or so of the loud ticking of my biological clock, the baby fever faded and we decided Big was enough. We would devote ourselves to reaching our personal goals for educations and careers, and spend our days being the best parents we could be for Big.
Over eight years later, we found out we were expecting Little. Cue the remarks from people.
"You don't have anymore in between these two?"
"Wow! You started all over, didn't you?"
And my favorite, in response to the explanation that Little was a surprise: " Well, you know how to prevent that, don't you?"
Yes, my children are almost nine whole years apart. And not that it's anyone's concern but ours, but there are both blessings and curses that come with this age gap. And in case you were wondering, or you are one of the opinionated people we meet on the street to which I cannot possibly give a long diatribe, I'm going to lay those our here.
- Curse: Currently, I have a preschooler and a teenager. Both boys. The teen knows about sex and all kinds of colorful words. It cannot be helped. I'm sure he uses this vocabulary, though never in our presence. And he teaches his little brother all sorts of inappropriate thing. Just the other day, Little was chasing me through the house with long barbecue tongs, shouting, "Nipple Pinch! Nipple Pinch!"
- Blessing: Because of his impulsivity, Big is not at a place where I would trust him to watch Little while we actually leave the premises, but he is able to manage helping. I can trust him to be in charge so I can take a shower, wash dishes, do whatever it is that I need to do in short bursts. When Big is home with us, I can let down my guard with Little just a bit more. I can relax and step away without worrying that Little will burn the house down.
- Curse: You know that moment when a little kid does something they're not supposed to do, but it's kind of funny, and in order to not encourage them, you must stifle your laughter? That isn't happening here. When Little does something, like says a naughty word, Hubs and I know that we are ultimately responsible for his ability to follow rules and be a good citizen. This duty allows us to hold in laughter, put on a stern face, and correct Little. Well, Big has no such sense of duty. Little is our responsibility, not his. So Little does something, Big thinks it's funny and laughs, and sometimes even asks Little to do it again. And so the cycle repeats, rendering us powerless to stop the behavior.
- Blessing: Because Big is mostly self-sufficient in areas of self-care, we have more time to devote to Little's needs. I will never have to bathe two little people at night or read two bedtime stories. I can tell Big what to do, and he does it. The extent of caring for Big is in making dentists appointments or check-ups, reminding him to put on deodorant or that he has football conditioning today and to be sure he has gym clothes. Big wakes for school and gets ready. He knows when the bus comes and needs no reminders of what needs to be done to start his day. This frees up considerable time to see Little off to preschool everyday.
- Curse: Not that Big is neglected in any way, shape, or form, but he does admittedly get less of our attention. That just comes with the territory of having a small child in the home. And there are some things that Big would like to do that is just not developmentally appropriate for Little. We have to constantly be cognizant of that to meet the needs of both children.
- Blessing: We are just different people. The me that was the mom of a small child when Big was small is soooooo different from the me that is Little's mommy. My career was established, my education completed. Not that we women can't do it all, but the more hats you wear, the less time you spend wearing each hat. That's just math, as there are only so many hours in the day. As a result, I get to be more present for Little, less rushed. He gets more of me the Big did at his age. On the other hand, this makes me feel guilty, but it just couldn't be helped. This is the difference between having a baby in your mid-twenties versus your mid-thirties.
- Curse: Not a single damned hand-me-down. I got rid of everything after Big's baby days. We weren't having any more, remember? And even if I would have saved everything, there was almost a decade in between. Carseats from back then were outdated. Swings and bouncers and play yards had entirely different safety standards. Clothes were out of fashion. So even though I have two boys, Big's expensive clothes will never be passed to his little brother. Toys will never be shared. It's got to be the most expensive way to raise kids.
- Blessing: Being more established when Little came along made a big difference. We could buy what we wanted for him, not just what we could afford. Don't get me wrong here: the amount of stuff either child has borders on the obscene. The same applied to Big at a young age. Because he was the only one, even though our resources were more limited, he got all of them. But now that finances are so drastically different with Little, that kid is over-indulged like you would not believe.
- Curse: Trying to keep things even and fair is difficult. For example, at Christmas, I set an equal budget for each child. My plan was not to go overboard with either of them. Each child had a few things they absolutely wanted and then I planned to use what was left of the money I allotted to buy them things I thought they would like and possibly some clothes. Therein lies the problem. Just one of the items on Big's list was a specific pair of headphones that cost $300. On Little's list? A toy truck that cost $50. At the end of the shopping, Little had a mountain of presents to Big's three presents. Stuff just costs more for a teen. Those new gym shoes that are all the rage? In Little's size, they're between $50 and $70. For Big? Oh, about $130 to $150. I can take Little to The Children's Place and get nice jeans for $10-$20 per pair. Big has to have designer jeans that are $80 a pair, at the cheapest. On and on it goes so that to the onlooker, it would look like Little has way more than Big. That isn't the case at all. It's just that it is impossible to match it up and keep it fair.
I could go on and on with this list. At this point, I've already rambled too much. The bottom line is that there are days when I wished we would have done things a little differently, but all of the time, I just love my kids. My family is my family. Little was sent to us when we were ready for him and not a minute late or early. And families? They come in all shapes and sizes. It isn't up to others to decide that for us anymore. And every shape and every size has its advantages and disadvantages. These are ours.
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